Anything that you do in life has side effects, right? Well that is what I tell myself at least. In working on my Happiness Project, I find that there are some things..okay A LOT of things...that I need to be changed about me. So one of these said side effects has to be the death of the too-nice-to-everybody and oh-so-worried-about-what-people think girl that I am leaving behind. Now mind you, I don't mean that I won't be nice to people. I just mean that I will not be the doormat that I once was. I refuse to go back there EVER again.
So what has happened to this girl? Where is this get walked on...or rather trampled on...time and time again girl? Where is the girl that never said no to anybody regardless of her own wants and needs? What happened to the girl that put everything she wanted to do aside every time so that when somebody came along with a need, she was the first person to say, okay, sure!? Well folks, due to a series of unfortunate events, some self-inflicted, some inflicted upon her by others, some really bad judgment calls, some really hard emotional spills, a serious need to toughen up a bit, and a major realization that it is okay for her to take care of herself first and then help the others who are deserving of it, she was pronounced dead at the age of 35.
In her mere 35 years she has made some really stupid choices, has had some really tough times emotionally from early on in life that had to do with an alcoholic father and a major need to feel needed and loved by him, which led to the people-pleasing, always say yes even when she knew deep down she didn't want to or shouldn't, doormat that she became. The death was something that she saw coming and was met with a bittersweet end.
On the one hand, she needed to transition to a place where she mattered, where her life meant more to herself than it ever had. She needed to find herself and be at peace with herself, but most importantly be TRUE to herself. She needed to leave all of the garbage behind that she has been pulling behind her like a trash barge for years. She knew that this time would come and that this time was a time of transition and rebirth. But most importantly, she knew that this time was the time for her to love herself in order to allow love from everybody else. She needed to realize that she has a voice, she has an opinion, she has wants and needs, and that what she has to say and how she feels is important. If the people in her life really love her, they would want to hear how she feels and take into account her thoughts and emotions instead of always barking and dictating to her. If they don't then they don't love her and she doesn't need them. She decided she wasn't going to take it anymore and she started standing up for herself. She took her power back, and what emerged from the Death of the Good Girl was the Birth of a Confident, Self-Respecting, Self-Loving Woman who isn't taking anybody's crap anymore!
So bittersweet? Yes definitely! But I have found out that less honey tends to not attract so many stinging and greedy bees, but rather selective bees who are ready to take on the challenge of getting to the sweet that matters, the good stuff. So I will lessen the sweet in order to weed out the greedy bees and I am ready to embrace those who are willing to love me for the me that I want to be instead of the me they want me to be.
I have spent my whole adult life playing "nice" and always doing as I am told or asked, always feeling like I am a child and taking orders from the grown-ups. I have let myself be bullied by so many people that I thought really and truly cared about me that I have let myself be used and manipulated in ways that I still can't believe I let happen. When you are one way for so long, its hard to be another way. Its hard to imagine yourself being loved by being strong instead of weak and being accepted by those who are so used to you following orders and trying to please if you aren't like that anymore. I am an adult, I am a strong woman. I am a wife and a mother, not a maid and a babysitter. I am tired of being treated like a child and will no longer have it. So anybody who wants to try to belittle me or make me feel badly anymore, you have a surprise in store for you, because as part of my Happiness Project, I will let you know that I matter too. I have a voice and I have just as much right to share it as you do. Bullies are just weak people with loud voices that demand to be heard, even when what they have to say is irrelevant and unintelligent. Emotional bullies are the worst and the hardest to deal with because you are emotionally attached and they feed on that attachment knowing that you are emotionally invested and its not so easy to walk away from them. But the girl that always took that garbage...you know...the Good Girl....well she doesn't exist anymore. She won't be made a fool of and she won't let their negative states bring her down. Not anymore!
In my next 35 years, I will live my life as I want to. I will not do things because I think it will make others happy constantly and in turn make me miserable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to turn into oober-bitch because I don't think I have that in me. But I do think that I need to grow a backbone and I need to stand my ground when it comes to being pushed around. I want to be positive and light. I want to grow spiritually. I want to be the best mother I can be and a wonderful example to my children about how a person should be. I want to live in harmony with the world instead of under its feet. I want to stand by my opinions regardless of how I think people will react to them. I want to stand by my beliefs with conviction even though it goes against the mainstream. I want to be soft and warm when I need to be but strong and tough as nails when I need to be. I want the balance that I am constantly seeking to be my reality and I will work to make that happen. I want to be true to myself and true to my life.......and so unfolds more of my Happiness Project!
Brightest Blessings!!!
Lisa :-)
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